Zoe's Handy Dandy Book On How To Be A Hero
by Zoe O'Riley
Summary: pretty selfexplanitory. rr I had fun writing it hope you have fun reading it!


1 AN- This is a parody of one of my friends fanfics. Her's is how to be evil.  
  
2 AN2-Funnily enough I am the next in line after Cathy to be the evil ruler of the world… Strange… (  
  
3  
  
4 Zoe's Handy Dandy Book Of How To Be A Hero  
  
Okay. Some of us are good people. You know who you are. You do volunteer work, tutor kids, & pick up trash. You guys are the good guys. You're not perfect but no one is! You have to mess up sometimes! That's what makes you cool! You want to be one of those people? A hero? You think you already are? Cool. Here's a handy dandy book of how to do that: Zoe's Handy Dandy Book Of How To Be A Hero.  
  
4.1 I the start-  
  
So, you think you're a good guy? That's nice. But just as the bad guy can't be sitting in jeans & an Abercrombie shirt neither can you. Sorry. I know it's comfortable but being good isn't comfortable. So. You have to get "the look." You have to go to the "Good clothing store" It's right down the street from the Evil Clothes & Accessories Store. Yeah that white shirt is a good thing. Those pants? No, these nice khaki pants will work. To nice you say? There is no such thing as too nice in the hero business. You must always look nice. Except when saving that special someone from the evil overlord/lady, then you have to look just slightly dirty.  
  
Ready yet? Oh no! That hair! You look…done up. Heroes are never done up. That pink hair dye has to go. It's to punk for the hero business. Hmmm I think maybe… Yes! Long straight brown hair! You can put it in a ponytail or a bun! Never wave it though! Then you'll look evil! That's not good! Unless you're trying to pretend to be evil, then it's a good thing. You're hair is now long & dark brown. How you ask? It was short you say? Well, now, I think you're ready!  
  
II Your followers  
  
Very good! You're shaping up quite well! Now. Moving right along!  
  
You need followers. Best friends, boy/girlfriends that type of thing. They will help you beat the evil overlord/lady. What type of people do you need?  
  
The lover- This is the person who you can make-out with at the end of the day. They're always behind you. But, beware they'll get taken my the evil overlord/lady. You should be ready for this. Sometimes they will get jealous of you for being the best. You will fight then and they will be taken. Then you will have to save them in the nick of time.  
  
  
  
The best friend- This person is the one who goofs around with you and makes you look good by messing up or freaking out when you need them most. This always helps to get the needed followers to look up to you. It also gives the evil person a good laugh. Then when the evil person is laughing you can kill them always nifty.  
  
The butler- Batman has Alfred so should you. They should be smart and have a cool British accent. They will look over all your plans and tell you how to make them better. They should have been with you forever & know everyone very well. You shall notice it's butler not maid. Maids are annoying for girls & for boys you might fall in love with them & then your lover would get jealous & well you know what would follow.  
  
Now that we have your followers all accounted for we need to go on. We've got schedules too.  
  
  
  
III Location matters  
  
  
  
You have a good location you have a good career, simple as that. You can't get the villain from an apartment or a house in the suburbs. They could get look you up in the phone book.  
  
  
  
A mansion on the outskirts of a large city is always good. Nice and rich looking on the main floors but then down in the secret basement/lab you should have plenty of computers and nifty cars and things like that. I want to be able to tell you a criminals name & you have his face on a large screen computer in seconds. Large cities in North Dakota or such rural states are good. The villain won't be in the phone book you shouldn't be either.  
  
IV Tricks  
  
  
  
Some things you just need to know! They're miscellaneous but just as important!  
  
  
  
Never lie. Ever. Bluff but never lie. You lie then the good police will find you and promptly take away your hero status. Then who do you think they'll get on to, me that's who. I taught you don't make me look bad. Remember, I'm evil.  
  
  
  
When the evil villain has you or you lover captured don't panic. Try to get him/her to tell you in detail how he/she did it. While then do this then you think of ways to save your lover.  
  
  
  
Make you followers look normal. They should be regular people. Your best friend should like sports & you lover should be a model type. If ever you need to prove that you are the best point out to the villain that they are single & you have a model for a lover.  
  
  
  
Tell your best friend/lover nothing of your plans. Just let them come along for the ride, picture this: your in the villains lair about to bluff you way out of there & then your best friend/lover whispers loudly, "When are you going to hit him with the umbrella?" The villain then knows what you are going to do & can prepare for it.  
  
  
  
Music: Don't listen to punk or rock. Pop is okay, classic rock is ok but don't listen to head-banger music.  
  
  
  
Transportation: Don't drive a van or anything black. No limos with tinted windows either. That implies evilness. Get a red convertible, a jeep, or a bug, your choice. You have to look good in it too. Make sure you do. Oh, and no trucks to unless you want the villain to think they can beat you easily because you are an uneducated hick. If you want them to think that go ahead. A truck would be your best bet.  
  
  
  
How you talk is also important. Don't say corny things like, "I'll save you sweetie!" That's old. Be a person people won't barf around. If you are like this you will still have followers they'll just be under the age of 7. That is a bad thing. All teenagers & adults will hate you. Be cool & trendy but have your own style!  
  
  
  
Now you have read all this you think you're ready? No way! You have to find a villain this will be the person you will pity. You will also direct your anger at this person. If you don't want a villain…Well, then you can be like batman & try and keep the city you live in from danger. If you do that you will need an heir because, well just because you say so crime isn't going to leave. Villains, even minor ones, are stubborn.  
  
  
  
Now that you are done well go out and try and make the world a better place. Just don't mess with the ruler of the world or me her heir. You can't defeat us we're to powerful & even if you do I wrote the handbook you learned it all from me. I win anyway you go. Oh & don't tell your villain I wrote this I've got an evil reputation to uphold.  
  
  
  
You are now officially a hero here you get a plaque put it someplace special. Good luck!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer- I wrote this but I took some lines from Cathykcool's evil guidebook.  
  
  
  
AN-R/R! You like? Funny? Stupid? Immature? REVIEW!!!!!!! 


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